31 August 2011

Finding My Center

Still your mind in me, still yourself in me, and without a doubt you shall be united with me, Lord of Love, dwelling in your heart. -Bhagavad Gita

I have totally lost track of how many times I have tried to write this post. I think this in version six or seven. It's just that every time I try to put this into words, I fail miserably and I come off sound liking some giant cheese ball. And believe me, if I wasn't the one writing this, I would still think I was a giant cheese ball for even writing it!

Moving on.....

The last four or five months have been kind of interesting, but not in a good way. They have not been the "wow--that's really kind of cool" interesting. They've been more of the "huh--really?!" kind of interesting. Needless to say, it's not been great.

I will admit that part of it was because of my surgery. I wasn't really expecting an almost 6 week hiatus from real life, but honestly---most of it started long before that.

I have felt completely scattered. I've been totally unable to focus on anything--reading, my photography, my painting, projects around the house. They've all become increasingly difficult because I can't focus long enough to accomplish anything. And sleep has become an elusive bedfellow choosing to show up at inappropriate times, if it even shows up at all (seriously----even when I was on some pretty heavy painkillers post surgery I was unable to sleep). Instead, I am constantly exhausted yet have a hard time sitting still. I've become super cranky and irritable and my sense of frustration goes from zero to sixty in no time at all.

Worst of all, the last few weeks I have even been struggling to focus while meditating, which has never happened before. I can usually sit in my space with my music (or sometimes in complete silence) and just let everything else go. I can usually sit and focus on my breath and refocus on myself and come out of it with a total sense of peace and tranquility (trying to explain this feeling is like trying to explain why the sky is blue ). Lately, I'm lucky if I can sit still for 10 minutes and half the time I'm thinking about everything else I could/should be doing. It has been extremely frustrating.

This past weekend, in an attempt to get myself "back on track" I decided to make myself a new set of mala beads. I just didn't feel a connection to the set I had previously been using (sounds a bit odd, I know, but it's true!) and knowing how much they had helped in the past, was really hoping they'd do the same thing again.

To say I was pleasantly surprised would be a total understatement. First, just the act of making the mala's was enough to help get me to refocus. Pouring positive energy into the project did something, almost like flipping a switch. It almost felt like it was instantaneous--one minute my mind was wandering off in a half dozen different directions and the next I was chanting mantras in my head and my plan to make one mala turned into making four (if anyone would like one, I am more than happy to pass one along to you). And it's been fantastic how quickly I've been able to refocus on my meditation and my breath. It feels almost as though I never had any issue with it to begin with. Like I'm on my way back to where I need to be. Like I'm on my way home to me.


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