14 August 2011

Rolling in the Deep..... Introspectively speaking

Staring at an empty computer screen is nearly as frustrating as staring at a blank piece of paper. Effing writers block.

While laying in bed this morning, listening to Sadie harass the neighbors through her bedroom window (yes, Sadie is a dog and yes she has her own room), I had million ideas running through my head about what I was going to do today (maybe a trip to the beach for some photos, oh no, going to clear off the dining room table and then clean the floors, oh wait--I know, I'll finish cleaning the closets and then clean Sadie's room and then prep my bedroom for painting!) or what I could write about (haven't done a photo related post in a while and I did just take a photo I really love yesterday but I could also update my 2011 reading challenge or that I am counting tomorrow as my "first official day back on the exercise/Meg wants to be a runner" train but that would make more sense if I just wrote about that tomorrow and honestly who said I have to write anything today anyway) and then started to wonder if anyone really (and I mean really, not just clicking through) reads this thing which started me on the whole "What is the purpose of being here anyway if you don't know if you are even making an imprint or impact (however you wish to see it)?" But that seems really selfish. I mean, who cares right? Why should it matter?

And there is was. The giant "DUH!" slapping me right in the face. 

I have spent my entire, EN-TIRE, life in the shadows. I'm always the third wheel in a group. There is always someone better than me when my work is presented. Never the pretty one. Never the funniest or wittiest or smartest or whateverest. And I'm o.k. with that.....for the most part. I'm not built or meant to be in the spotlight with everyone looking at me (literally or figuratively). And while I am never any of those things, what I am is the truest and most authentic person I know how to be. Truest to myself. Yes...I am extremely shy and quiet and bold and unassuming but also loud, obnoxious, snarky and saucey. I've even been called sassy on a few occasions. 

I quite like when someone is surprised when I am the one who did something or accomplished something. I'd rather surprise people than constantly be in their faces about what I've done or may do or want to do or am trying to do or whatever. It's kind of a half-assed and backwards way of thinking about thing but when it happens that way, I feel like people are finally paying attention. And I know they are paying attention to whatever IT is (my photography, writing, painting, whatever) and not because of who produced it. Because it feels like if they knew it was me, it would immediately be written off as something unworthy of their time. And to that, I say Buh-bye! I've not time for you and your preconceived notions.

So what am I trying to say through all of this.....I think it's too easy to put stock into what everyone else wants from us, says about us, says to us and expects from us. It's too easy to base our own acceptance of ourselves based on everyone else. Who cares if anyone actually reads this thing (o.k......I'll be honest. I do care a little bit but only because if someone does read this, then I know they are getting to know the truest sense of who I am in an arena where I can be myself because I don't have to actually see the look of shock/horror/disappointment/etc./etc.). It's not for anyone else and is sure isn't about anyone else. It's about realizing that after 31 years (oiy vey) all the years of therapy and advice and self help books and daytime t.v. talk shows are finally, FINALLY sinking in. You HAVE to do somethings for yourself. You HAVE to have something that you can look at or look back on and say "yep, now that's what I'm talking about! That's where I made the connection. THAT is where I really found out who I am and what I'm about, no matter how long, random or incoherent the trip was to get there." 

**Authors Note: If you actually made it through this entire post, kudos to you! I should have had a warning that what I've written might not make much sense, or any sense for that matter. But this is how my brain works and unfortunately for you all, this is where those thoughts have ended up! **


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