30 September 2012

You've been a banned, banned book.....

Reprinted by permission of the American Library Association.

When I was in the 6th grade, one of my teachers pulled me aside to ask why I was carrying around a beat up old copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. When I told her I was reading it for our assigned book report (she did tell us we could read anything we wanted) she told me it was an "inappropriate selection for someone my age" and would speak to my parents about it.

The next day, that conversation took place between my teacher and my dad. When she asked him if he knew what book I was reading and planned on presenting to the class his response was, "Yes. I let her borrow my copy of the book for the project."

This week is Banned Books Week. A celebration of those books that have been banned at one time or another because someone somewhere had some ridiculous notion that a book was too graphic, sexually explicit, vulgar, etc. when really most of them are a pretty realistic portrayal of life because as well all know, life is full of lollipop and daisies. Not sex, drugs, rock-n-roll and a few f-bombs thrown around for good measure.

Ok so some of the reasons for wanting a book banned go well beyond that, but the point is, banning a book which presents a different or unorthodox viewpoint doesn't accomplish anything useful. The idea that certain books need to be banned to "project our youth" do nothing of the sort. In fact, they encourage some youth (such as myself) to actively seek these books out just to see what all the fuss is about. Totally counterproductive.

With that being said, this week I'll be participating in the celebration of banned books by in fact, reading only books which have well.....been banned at one time or another. Can I tell you, trying to decide which books to add to my "to-read" list was exceptionally difficult as I've read quite a few of these books already, but my list is ready and I'm looking forward to reading my first book tonight.

Sunday Confessions: Glitter, Baseball and Online Dating

Fifty Shades of Glitter: I finished writing my submission for this project this week. I actually wrote two: one that I sent in and one that is still saved on my hard drive. And the more I think about it, the more I kind of wish I hadn't written the first draft (the one I've kept to myself) but I can't take it back now. I didn't expect it to be quite so......what's the word....raw. Not in the "I shared every last bit of detail about the first time I had sex!" kind of way. Meh...that doesn't bother me (it sucked by the way). It's more of how everything leading up to the big event made me feel. How this whole notion that because I wasn't skinny or pretty, I wasn't sexy attractive. I guess I had buried some of those feelings down deeper than I realized and didn't expect them to still sting after all these years. But the second one, the one that was actually sent it, is kind of funny. The humor wasn't intentional, but that's just how my life seems to roll.

Baseball Diamonds are Forever: I finally registered a name for my faux baseball blog! Faux because who knows when or if I'll ever update the dang thing (the thought of trying to write three blogs makes me kind of want to throw up a little). Plus, it's a little cheesy but once again that is just how I seem to roll. But now that it's out there, I get to do the fun part of formatting and designing it and all that jazz. AND I have to figure out what the heck I am going to write about. I can talk baseball until the cows come home, but ask me to write something about it and my head fills with crickets. My goal, though, is to have a post up and ready to go IF the Tigers make the post season. They currently are stressing me out with their inability to win the games they are supposed to be winning. Otherwise, ya'll have to wait until the 2013 season.

Online Dating: I signed up for an online dating site and managed to keep my profile up for a full 24 hours before freaking out and taking it down.....well, it's still there. Just set to private so no one can see it. *sigh* I just don't know. Part of me wants to dive right into the dating arena but another louder part of me is cool with rocking the single lady status forever and ever and ever. It's scary putting yourself out there and as much as I feel like I'm ready, I also feel like I'm not ready. I just wish there was a way to skip over the pesky "do you like me cuz I kind of like you" phase and move onto the good stuff. Since that is obviously not going to happen, I need either get my head in the game or settle in on the bench for an undetermined amount of time.

Blogging: My apologies dear readers. I have been a bad blogger and bad commenter. I assure you though, that I am reading your blogs, reading your comments and appreciating each and everyone one of you.

29 September 2012

Boys of Summer

Thursday, my dad, brother and I made the drive to Detroit to watch the last home game of the regular season at Comerica Park. We've been going to games since I was a kid, making the almost 5 hour drive to Detroit a few times a season to watch the Tigers. This was the first game we've been able to make it recently because of busy schedules, but spending an afternoon with my dad while we watch our favorite baseball team is always worth the trip.

Not only was this game the last home game of the season, it was also the last game of a four games series between the Tigers and the Royals. The Tigers were going for a sweep and also a chance at gaining a half game on the White Sox.

It proved to be a really exciting game. Doug Fister, ( my #2 Tiger) pitched an incredible game, setting a new American League record, striking out 8 consecutive batters. Fielder had a pretty incredible infield double (although he was later quoted as saying "it did get into the outfield a little bit) and Infante finally made a much needed defensive play. The Tigers went on the win the game, 5-4 with a walk off hit by Alex Avila.

As always, I took way too many photographs but I thought I'd share some of my favorites from the day:

Comerica Park
     My dad & Brother before the game               Ernie Harwell                                      Sharona
Quintin Berry                                             Brayan Villarreal

Luke Putkonen sporting a very stylish Hello, Kitty! backpack
Doug Fister                                                        Miguel Cabrera
Prince Fielder
Delmon Young
Austin Jackson

Infante, Dirks & Cabrera

A trip to Comerica is incomplete without a visit from the Singing Hotdog Guy
American League Central standings at the end of the game

27 September 2012

My sexuality has never been a problem to me but I think it has been for other people.

~Dusty Springfield

Today I am off to Detroit with my dad and brother for the last regular season home game for the Tigers.  I am quite certain I've mentioned it a time or two already, but I can't wait. As much as I love watching a game on t.v., there is nothing quite like watching a game in person. Especially when the Tigers are going head to head with the White Sox for first in the AL Central.

So, in honor of todays game I am of course sporting my Tigers wear, which has nothing to do with what I'm about to write.

I keep blathering on about changing self perception and how I've magically discovered it this summer and blah blah blah. I'm still fully entrenched in that mindset and don't anticipate that changing any time soon. It's just that.....it is all sort of shifting to encompass, well, everything.

Last night I finished typing up my submission for the project Dead Cow Girl is putting together, Fifty Shades of Glitter and started thinking about that aspect of being a woman. I've always been the funny one. Quirky one. Smart one. Annoying one. Queen of Sarcasm. But pretty, beautiful, sexy ....not on your life! That's just not where I fit or at least didn't see myself fitting because of what I had been told/taught.

I've written about it before and don't feel like rehashing those craptacular memories (thanks Grandma) but we've all been there. All been in a place where people have said ridiculous and cruel things which have sadly defined how we looked at ourselves. Because for whatever ridiculous reason, looking at ourselves through the eyes of others is easier than looking at ourselves through our own eyes and truly seeing who we are is much harder.

I spent a lot of time listening to those people who kept telling me that because I was chunky, chubby, fat that it equated to being unattractive and not sexy. But writing my submission for the Fifty Shades of Glitter project, it reminded me that those people were wrong. It reminded me that there is this whole other part of myself that terrifies the crap out of me, but one that exudes a ridiculous amount of confidence. Confidence that doesn't always come easily for me but I know is there.

This is a part of myself that I need to be reacquainted with.  This is a part of myself that will work towards turning the "I wish I were...." thoughts into "Why, yes indeed I am....." thoughts.

26 September 2012

Honest to Blog: Womb for Rent

I'm at a stage in my life where I am watching my friends get married. Starting families of their own and welcoming bundles of baby joy into their worlds.

I should be happy for them. I should be excited that they are taking this next stop in their lives. Thrilled that their dreams are coming true.

But I'm not.

Not entirely.

Yes--I think it is absolutely amazing to be able to watch my friends start families. To be there to watch them raise amazing little people who will grow up to do amazing things.

But each time I receive another invitation to a baby shower. Or see a delighted "this morning we welcomed baby D into the world last night!" post on Facebook. Or am stopped by a coworker and asked "Guess what? I'm pregnant!" before I can even answer the initial question, a massive wave of jealousy and loss rips through my heart.

Jealousy because they have what I want. They are moving into a phase of their lives where I so desperately want to be.

Loss because of the children I may never know. Loss at that fear that I have all this love to give and may never have the chance to bestow it on a child who decides to choose me as their mom.

Time and time again I am told by friends and family that there is still time. I'm young. There is time for me to find the man (or woman) I will fall in love with and start a family with because that's how it's supposed to happen.

What isn't supposed to happen is that at 22 your doctor telling you there is something wrong with you and you might not be able to have children. What isn't supposed to happen is at 25 the specialist your doctor sent you to tells you there is a slight change (like a 10% chance) that you'll be able to have kids (I've always appreciated her honesty and optimism) or at 28 you are told that it's time to start looking at other options.

I know I'm not the only one going through these struggles. I'm not the first to be delivered that kind of news and I won't be the last but when you're in it alone, it feels like you are the only one in the world it is happening to.

When your friends get mad at you because you "just aren't happy enough for them" or can't get beyond the lump in your throat to tell them "Congratulations!" quick enough, it just adds to the pain. Adds to the betrayal of your body. Adds to the feeling of failure because as a woman, this is what our bodies are designed to do--to carry, love and nurture growing children.

I know there are options out there to becoming a mom. Lots of them actually. And I've started looking at them.  I know it makes me sound horribly selfish, but there is a huge part of me that wants to have my baby. A huge part of me that wants to raise a child that was born between the love of me and my partner. I worry that I'm not strong enough to do it any other way, but also know if I want to be a parent, I need to find that strength. 

23 September 2012

Bits &Pieces

1. Russian Nesting Dolls
2. Sadie
3. A Ukulele & A Guitar
4. Antique pitcher and flowers
5. Table setting
6. School time
7. Bottle collection
8. Key
9. Reading material
10. Family tree

22 September 2012

You cannot travel on the path until you become the path itself.


Fall has officially arrived in northern Michigan!

The colors are starting to pop. The breeze has a bite to it and it is most definitely time to break out the boots, sweaters and leggings! This is my favorite time of year.

Sadie and I headed out to the cottage this morning in between thunders storms so she could run around and I could have some quiet time with my journal. To say I've not been "feeling it" lately would be a complete understatement. I don't know if its the change of seasons, the impending crazy that arrives at work once fall gets here, something on a much more personal level (not quite ready to share that one yet).....or a combination of all of the above.

But regardless of what is causing this funk, I need to get out of it.

I don't know what any of that has to do with Rachele's link up, but I did snap some photos of me in my absolute favorite fall outfit. I would wear this every day if I could.

And I get to show off my blond hair, which I'm falling in love with. I had planned on darkening it up a bit, but I think the light color is here to stay. I'm even thinking of going a bit lighter in the next week or two.

21 September 2012

Things I Pondered When I Should Have Been Doing Other Stuff

In less than a week, I'll be traveling to Detroit to watch the Tigers take on the Royals at Comeria Park. I. CANNOT. WAIT. It is the last home game of the regular season. Depending on how well the Tigers play and how terrible the White Sox play, it should prove to be a really stressful exciting game.

I am officially no longer a redhead. I've been rocking red hair for six years and decided it was time to go back to my natural hair color. You may be asking yourself, "What color is that?!" Well it's something like this......
Since my birthday is a little over a month away, I thought I'd buy myself a little something....a new shirt to wear at next weeks baseball game. Aren't mirror shots just the most glamours shots, especially when you have to crank the ISO beyond what your camera is comfortable with because your bathroom  is as bright as a cave.  
I feel like I've kind of beat this one to a pulp, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot for the life of me get Captain Random out of my head. Oh and remember how I was all freaked out because I thought maybe, just maybe, he'd end up reading my rant on here about (romantic) relationships or in my case the lack of one, well....he read it and now he's avoiding which is all kinds of awesome.

It is also all kinds of awesome (no sarcasm on this one!) that fall has descended upon northern Michigan with a vengeance. You know what that means!!! Chunky sweaters, leggings and boots! Lots and lots of boots. 

19 September 2012

Weekly Reads

No need to adjust your eyes. It's true. I actually sat my ass down and read some books.

Yes plural, BOOKS! Two of them this week. The other I finished awhile ago but just never got around to posting about it. Either way, I'm pretty excited about that.

Fire by William Esmont: This was a really quick read. It moved along pretty quickly, with each chapter focusing on one character before it all came together. It starts with Megan's (a prostitute in a brothel) story before we are introduced to Cesar (an illegal alien), Jack (a family man), Mike (a pilot), Kevin  (a businessman) and Hollister (a navy commander).

The story itself was a pretty typical zombie/apocalypse story; there is an uprising of the undead and humanity is forced to figure out how it's going to survive. The way the author presents it though, allows you to be drawn into the story of the characters lives--past and present, without only focusing on what they are currently experiences. 

It seemed fairly obvious that this was written with sequels in mind--there is no resolution at the end, which I kind of liked. If this does indeed turn into a series, I will absolutely be checking out the next installments. 

I don't really know what to say about about the next two books hence the really short and not very helpful tidbits I've posted about them. I will say that this series is the series Fifty Shades wants to be when it grows up. Also, thank you to Jennifer for suggesting the Masters of the Shadowlands series. 

Right.........this series is definitely not for the faint of heart. Two books in and yeah......they would make those who enjoy "mommy porn" run for the hills screaming. But these books are good. Really, really good.

The first book in the series, Club Shadowlands does a great job at setting the scene for the rest of the series, introducing you to the club, Master Z and a number of other characters you get to know more "intimately" later on. It also introduces you to the general theme that is carried out through the series.

The second book, Dark Citadel (the title makes no sense to me) actually made me squirm a little, which I have to admit is hard to do. There were a couple of times when I had to set it down and take a bit of a breather. This one definitely pushed some boundaries, so much so I'm taking a bit of a break before I move onto the third book, Breaking Free.

Thanks for reading!

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