14 July 2012

Running with the Devil

Today marks what should have been my 5k run.

It didn't happen.

And I'm oddly o.k. with it.

When I woke up the morning, it literally took me an HOUR to drag my ass out of bed. All I could think about was how I had failed. I failed to finish the running program. I had failed to complete the 5k I signed up for (even before it started). I had failed everyone who told me I could do it and who supported me. But more importantly I had failed myself.

This is the kind of thinking that has killed all my previous attempts at running. I set goals. I work at trying to achieve them, but when I don't quite make it.......I quit. I throw in the towel and say "Well, that was that. At least I can say I tried!" Then it takes me a few months or longer to talk myself back into doing it again, rinse and repeat.

But I don't just want to be a trier. I don't just want to be someone that tries and tries and tries but doesn't  reach the end game or someone who quits when things don't go as planned. Sure, it's good to say that I'll never quit giving it another try, but I don't want to have to "give it another try". I just want to do it! And it's frustrating when it doesn't happen and especially frustrating when I know it's not happening because I am the one not making it happen.

Shoving all of that frustration aside, I did go out for my run this morning and even drove by the site of todays 5k race. It was a little bittersweet, but also a reminder that even though I'm not there today, I will be there next year. And it was also a reminder that I need to focus on how a far I've come and not how far I still have to go.

Over the last 10 weeks I've made some great progress. I'm actually able to run, without feeling like I'm going to collapse and all without walking. I feel absolutely amazing--my self esteem has never been this good, ever. And I feel strong. And for me, those are the things that matter most.

Yes, my bucket list is packed full of running goals, and I do hope to someday achieve them, but it will be in my own time. At my own pace. And that's o.k. Because I'm doing it and that's what is the most important thing for me. I'm actually doing it. 


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