20 June 2012

Old Habits Die Hard

"I run because it’s so symbolic of life. You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can’t. But then you find your inner strength, and realize you’re capable of so much more than you thought." - Arthur Blank

Remember a couple of weeks ago, when I wrote about breaking down into tears during/after my runs? Well, it happened again this morning. Twenty minutes in and I was a sobbing mess having an intense conversation (out loud) with my pretend running coach. This is why I run at 6am when there is no one else around--I'd like to at least keep some sense of dignity for myself.

I've been working really hard to get to a place where I not only accept those things I can't change, like, etc. but also to a place where I love the life I have, but more importantly loving myself (flaws and all) because quite frankly I'm pretty rad.

But then came along summer. As much as I hate winter (and oh how I do), my hatred for this season far surpasses anything else. It's hot. It's sticky. There are bugs. The constant threat of sunburn. And shorts, tank tops and baiting suits. And all those crappy feelings of not being enough of anything.

That's what I struggled with again today on my run. It was hot. I was tired. I just wanted to be back in my bedroom with the air conditioner on high reading my book. I didn't want to be out there sweating my ass off, dodging bugs, cars and a dead raccoon while trying to accomplish some undefined goal.

On my way home, while running down a steady (not terribly steep) incline, my faux-running coach kept telling me to use gravity to help pull me down the hill, which would then in theory help me go faster (can you tell I've been reading books about running) and I just kept thinking/saying "I can't!" over and over and over. The whole time feeling like if I did, if I tried harder, I'd fall but more importantly I'd fail. 

That's when the tears came. Leaving me standing on the side of the road, double over sobbing, trying to get myself back together. Trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Where I lost my ability to shut out the crap in my head. All the voices from those who have told me I'm not enough. All the voices who have told me I will fail if I try and if by some odd change I do succeed, I could have, should have done better.

I keep saying it over and over, trying desperately to remind myself that it doesn't matter. None of what anyone else says should matter, but the trick is actually being it.

And that is what is so damn frustrating about it all right now. How do I actually get to a place where truly believe it?


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