08 May 2012

We All Need Something Sometimes

Oh geez.....this is not going to be a fun read.

I'm all jumbled up inside my head again. I don't know if this is another "wave of depression" making it's way to shore or if it's from letting myself slide so far down the rabbit hole that I'm bound to get hurt but this overwhelming feeling of failure that came over me this morning on my run is really frustrating.

I sat in my car for a long time after my run, trying to get the tears to stop but also trying to sort out the mess inside my head. Trying to figure out where I went wrong in so many areas of my life and how I managed to get to this place.

I feel like I'm not living by my own rules anymore. Shoot, maybe I never have and that's what the real problem is. But, it just seems like so much of what I'm doing and have been doing isn't about or for myself. It's about making everyone else happy, making sure they are o.k. Or I'm putting things off or just plain not doing/saying things because it's inconvenient or doesn't fit into someone else's plan/schedule. I feel like I'm making all sorts of concessions and compromises for everyone else and not getting the same consideration in return. *sigh* I'm beginning to think.....no, not beginning....this has been a long time coming....

I get that I'm flexible and accommodating and want the best for everyone, but even the most flexible of us are bound to break. I'm moments away from that happening.

I know I don't say what I need enough. I don't put myself first, ever because I feel like when I do I'm letting everyone down and they have no problem making sure that I know that. I always try to make sure everyone else is taken care of and are happy and have someone to lean on.

But sometimes I need that for myself. And I just need to figure out how to ask for that.


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