28 August 2012

The Times They Are A Changin'

Yesterday at work, I had two totally unrelated but still connected conversations that made the wheels in my head start spinning about Miles from Ordinary.

The first was with a "friend". We've drifted over the last few months for various reason and yesterdays conversation was the first in a very long time.

The second conversation was with my boss regarding a new "project" that landed on my desk yesterday afternoon.

The questions were totally different yet almost the same: "What have you been doing?" and "What do you do with that?"

But my answer was the same: Writing on my blog.

This past weekend I started thinking about my "August in Review" post, making a list of things I wanted to make sure I highlighted: Northwest Michigan Fair, Beach Bums games, running, etc. But then as it tends to do, my mind started to wander and this time it was to this summer as a whole; from where I started to where I am now and how slightly absurd it seemed that "at my age" I would even be reflecting at how much my self-perception has changed over the last nine weeks or so. But that's just it--the last nine weeks have been a tiny drop in the ocean.

I am constantly saying to friends "Our stories are all different and our chapters are never sorted out in the same order". I've had to remind myself of this more than normal this summer. I have had to remind myself that everyone is on a different path, but the one I am on is the perfect path because it is mine.

It doesn't make things easier to swallow, but helps to ground me to where I am at. It helps to remind me that what makes me feel sort of itchy and out of place is a sign that change is coming-even if I don't feel like it's always for the better.

These past nine weeks have gotten me back to being me. I've started to sort some things out that I didn't necessarily want to deal with (the truth is a necessary evil that sometimes hurts). I've started to open up again, mainly through honest to goodness journaling--the nitty gritty "Dear Diary: Last night was rough. I spent too many hours curled up on the bathroom floor talking myself down. Old habits die hard and I've the scars to prove it." entries. I've started to re-evaluate relationships and friendships, letting go of the unhealthy ones and I've stopped hiding behind a wall of shyness because someone might not like what I have to say.

There is a real freedom in getting to a place where you can be yourself when the only person you are with is yourself.

Most of this is just me thinking out loud. When it comes down to it, none of the above really had anything to do with my blog. But change is definitely coming. Writing here has helped to facilitate some of my non-public writing and some of that is going to start to flow over. For this to be the most honest representation of me and my life, it's going to have to include some of the things that are important to me. It's going to have to include the good, the bad and the ugly.

2 comments:

  1. I know that I used to (sometimes still do) worry about what other people think about me, so I turtle away and stay home a lot. I think that having periods where you are self- focused can be very helpful in sorting priorities, and thought ans emotions. Sometimes I need that for myself. I've been getting better with letting myself have that time and not feeling guilty about it.

    And I love ugly blog posts. I'm totally here to listen or read.... You know what I mean.

    Stephanie
    www.bassability.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading!

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