Finding My Center

Still your mind in me, still yourself in me, and without a doubt you shall be united with me, Lord of Love, dwelling in your heart. -Bhagavad Gita

I have totally lost track of how many times I have tried to write this post. I think this in version six or seven. It's just that every time I try to put this into words, I fail miserably and I come off sound liking some giant cheese ball. And believe me, if I wasn't the one writing this, I would still think I was a giant cheese ball for even writing it!

Moving on.....

The last four or five months have been kind of interesting, but not in a good way. They have not been the "wow--that's really kind of cool" interesting. They've been more of the "huh--really?!" kind of interesting. Needless to say, it's not been great.

I will admit that part of it was because of my surgery. I wasn't really expecting an almost 6 week hiatus from real life, but honestly---most of it started long before that.

I have felt completely scattered. I've been totally unable to focus on anything--reading, my photography, my painting, projects around the house. They've all become increasingly difficult because I can't focus long enough to accomplish anything. And sleep has become an elusive bedfellow choosing to show up at inappropriate times, if it even shows up at all (seriously----even when I was on some pretty heavy painkillers post surgery I was unable to sleep). Instead, I am constantly exhausted yet have a hard time sitting still. I've become super cranky and irritable and my sense of frustration goes from zero to sixty in no time at all.

Worst of all, the last few weeks I have even been struggling to focus while meditating, which has never happened before. I can usually sit in my space with my music (or sometimes in complete silence) and just let everything else go. I can usually sit and focus on my breath and refocus on myself and come out of it with a total sense of peace and tranquility (trying to explain this feeling is like trying to explain why the sky is blue ). Lately, I'm lucky if I can sit still for 10 minutes and half the time I'm thinking about everything else I could/should be doing. It has been extremely frustrating.

This past weekend, in an attempt to get myself "back on track" I decided to make myself a new set of mala beads. I just didn't feel a connection to the set I had previously been using (sounds a bit odd, I know, but it's true!) and knowing how much they had helped in the past, was really hoping they'd do the same thing again.

To say I was pleasantly surprised would be a total understatement. First, just the act of making the mala's was enough to help get me to refocus. Pouring positive energy into the project did something, almost like flipping a switch. It almost felt like it was instantaneous--one minute my mind was wandering off in a half dozen different directions and the next I was chanting mantras in my head and my plan to make one mala turned into making four (if anyone would like one, I am more than happy to pass one along to you). And it's been fantastic how quickly I've been able to refocus on my meditation and my breath. It feels almost as though I never had any issue with it to begin with. Like I'm on my way back to where I need to be. Like I'm on my way home to me.

I AM Openness.

The daily affirmation I have been using while meditating.

As I breathe deeply into my body and turn my full attention to all that I see, hear, taste, and touch in this moment, I open and relax, allowing the unique intelligence and beauty of my life to flower.


-Veronica Krestow

Stick a fork in me, I'm done!!

Done seeing Dr. K that is.

Today was my 9 week, post-surgery appointment. I knew going in that this was most likely going to be my last appointment and I was mostly right.

I am happy to say he said everything looks great and was actually a little surprised that I'm doing so well considering the relatively short time. I still have to be a wee bit careful in terms of being diligent with my stretching. My Achilles tendon is still healing so I need to watch for any additional pain/discomfort. Otherwise, I'm good to go!

I have a six month follow-up appointment but permission to cancel it if I feel like I don't need to see him again (medically speaking of course).

What does this all mean?

For my own peace of mind, I'm giving myself an extra week for healing (even though I went in feeling fantastic, things are a little tender after Dr. K was poking around on the bottom of my foot) and then I'll start working out. I figure the elliptical is a good place to start and will get me through the winter so in the spring I can start running. I realize it is only the end of August and there are a good two and a half months until the snow starts to fly, but I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my recovery. I've waited way too long to be pain free, so I'm going against my natural tendencies and am going to take this nice and slow. Plus, this will give me some time to work out a plan, set some goals and not over do it so I get discouraged and quit.

Things I've Learned This Week

• I have the patients of a saint.
• I've confirmed that I really dislike, even hate talking in front of groups of people.
• The Politics section of a bookstore is an interesting place to be hit on by a cute hipster.
• When you have a craving for a cheeseburger, it is best not to indulge that craving with a trip to Burger King. You will regret it.
• It is entirely possible to eat too many peanut butter M&M's.
• Having a cold enhances my ability to be funny ten fold. Or it could just be the combination of said cold and DayQuil. Regardless, I'm freaking hilarious.
• My "Things to complete before I am 35" list kind of sucks. It's packed fulled of responsible adult things like "put more money into my 401K" and "Reduce that debt!" Where is the funny in any of that?!
• It's o.k. that sometimes I actually like my job even if I'm not sure I want to do it where I am at for the rest of my working days.
• In the grand scheme of things, I don't think I really care how much wood a wood chuck can chuck on any given day.
• Even though I've stopped keeping an official written journal, I do need to put things down on paper to work through the muck in my head.
• Sometimes, not matter how much you don't want to or how much it hurts to do so, it's best to cut your losses and let some relationships go.

Friday Favorites: Direct Orders

Why did I think a theme was a good idea?! I must have thought that it would keep me on track but now that it's time to actually do it, I'm not so sure it was my best move. Whatev.

Historically, I'm not a huge fan of sharing (I'm getting better though!!). One of my biggest pet peeves is telling someone about Random Item A which they poo-poo without hesitation only to have them turn around weeks or months later and tell me how AWESOME Random Item A is and that I really need to check it out. Even worst yet is when they flat out deny that we've never even spoken about Random Item A in the past. Granted, most of the time when this happens, it is with people who resist anything new until it goes mainstream, but I digress and have a chart to kind of sort of by not really illustrate my point:

Courtesy of Scott Crowe: Actor, Runner, Maker of Things

But for the sake of sticking with my plan and being more open, we're gonna do this. Every Friday. And I'm going to be o.k. with it. 

To start, I was originally going to go with my favorite daily reads a.k.a "What is found in my Google Reader!" but that's already on my blog and seemed a little redundant. And then I thought about the YouTube channel I watch pretty regularly but I feel like that is one of those things you either get or you don't (It's LOVEronica for those who are interested) and I've not the energy to really go there right now. So, that pretty much leaves us with either a whole lot of something or a whole lot of nothing. 

Because I've really not anything terribly exciting to say and am still battling this ridiculous cold, I'm going with another favorite spoken word performance which I think is quite fitting for this Friday evening while the east coast battles against Mother Nature.

Direct Orders by Anis Mojgani.