Sun Savy

Sun Savy

Thanks to Micah for posting this on her blog!  For more information check out the links below.

Sun Savy
David Cornfield Memorial Fund

Dream Guy

Good grief.

I get it. I've had loads of free time on my hands which means my imagination and subconscious has been having a field day.

I have now had nearly the same dream about the same guy three times in four days. That's weird, right?!

With the exception of a recurring nightmare (having the same dream now that I had when I was a wee little kid is far less than fun) I rarely have the same dream twice and I never have the same dream about the same person. Ever.

Until now.

And I have to say, it's annoying. It would be one thing if the dreams were the kinds of dreams I normally have. The types of dreams where I wake up, shaking my head and laughing at how bizarre they were. But no. These are dreams that serve as a reminder that a) I'm being ridiculous and b) I've done it again (falling for the wrong guy).

How to be Alone

How to be Alone by Tanya Davis

I've posted this before, but I'm posting it again.

This week has been exceptionally frustrating. I'm sick of being stuck in the house. I'm sick of having to block off 90 minutes just to shower and get ready of the day. I'm sick of being exhausted. I'm sick of constantly having to rely on my parents for EVERYTHING. This week has reminded me how frustrating it is to be alone. Single. Flying solo. Embracing my independence. I'm reminded how much I really DO wish I was in a relationship. How I wish that I had someone to love and to love me back. I wish I had someone to give me a hug just because and without having to ask for it.

And then I fall back to this video (my awesome friend Vickie originally posted it on her blog).

This video reminds me that I'm o.k. It makes me feel better. It helps to remind me that really I'm not as alone as I feel.

I want to be THAT girl.

I don't know why all of a sudden this is such a huge issue for me. Normally, I'm not really all that concerned with what people think of me. I've never been the "pretty one" (that was confirm by my grandmother over dinner one night". I've never been the "thin one" (I'd give anything to have a bout of anorexia for a month or two). I think I've held the title of the "funny one" once (it seems very few people get my jokes, most of the time people look at me as if I've just started speaking in tongues). There are a number of times though that I've been told I'm a bit odd (it usually comes out as "you are so weird!"), but for the most part I'm pretty forgettable.

I don't even have enough fingers or two to keep track of how many times I have been reintroduced to people because they didn't remember me from previous introductions. I can't even begin to keep track of how many times I've been called because I have a "really great friend" that Captain Random wants to take out for dinner.

I just can't help but wonder what it would be like to be that girl someone is calling their friend about (ok--I'll admit that it did happen ONCE, but when he failed to follow through with the divorce proceedings it all kind of fizzled). I can't help but wonder what it would be like to leaving a LASTING first impression on someone. I'd love to know what it feels like to leave people thinking "Dang, I'd like to get to know her some more" or "She is someone I'd like to spend time with".

Trying to explain this to anyone is near impossible, simply because I know it doesnt make a lot of sense. How do you explain to someone that you don't want to change who you are as a person.....you just want to change who you are in the eyes of other people.

6 a.m.

This has now become the worst part of my day.

The dreaded 6a.m.

I've been up everyday this week at almost the same time, without fail and without an alarm clock. My internal alarm clock a.k.a. pain sensors all over my freaking body have decided that this is the time that I should wake up and deal with them. It is the time of the day when I am typically alone, am reminded how frustrating this whole thing really has been and have a good cry while the rest of the house is in bed sleeping.

One can only wear a smile for so long before the facade starts to wear off.

My smile started to wear off yesterday.

I am exhausted. Sleep has been quite elusive and I've been surviving on catnaps. I seriously don't know how my friend and new mom Kara or any of my friends who are moms are there do it. I need more than 6 hours of consecutive sleep to survive not fitful naps of 3 if I'm lucky.

Part of why I can't sleep is because there is no comfortable position to lay in. Dr. K picked a prime piece of real estate near the inside of my calf to make one of the incisions which is also where 2 of my 6 stitches reside. This also means that every time I try to find a comfortable position to put my leg, the myriad of pillows and sometimes an ice pack is resting on that area. No bueno.

I keep joking that I am going to have gained some amazing upper body strength at the end of this. Whipping around on crutches was easy on day 1. Day 2 wasn't too bad but now that we are on day 6 my arms are killing me. They hurt. They ache. I have no strength left. I have bruises on my hands and my ribs are a little tender from the tops of the crutches jabbing into them as I try to regain my balance after nearly falling for the hundredth time.

I hate that I can't shower when I want to. Last nights adventure took over an hour which included way more help from my mom than should have been necessary, nearly killing myself trying to get out of the shower to only then almost sliding off the toilet seat (yes, it was down) while trying to dry off.

I know that dwelling on everything that is wrong isn't the best way to deal with all of this and it is quite counter productive. But it's hard to see the bright side of things when you are halfway to the bathroom, wondering if you are going to make it in time because the thought of having to hop another 15 feet makes you want to puke out of total exhaustion.