I'm at a stage in my life where I am watching my friends get married. Starting families of their own and welcoming bundles of baby joy into their worlds.
I should be happy for them. I should be excited that they are taking this next stop in their lives. Thrilled that their dreams are coming true.
But I'm not.
Not entirely.
Yes--I think it is absolutely amazing to be able to watch my friends start families. To be there to watch them raise amazing little people who will grow up to do amazing things.
But each time I receive another invitation to a baby shower. Or see a delighted "this morning we welcomed baby D into the world last night!" post on Facebook. Or am stopped by a coworker and asked "Guess what? I'm pregnant!" before I can even answer the initial question, a massive wave of jealousy and loss rips through my heart.
Jealousy because they have what I want. They are moving into a phase of their lives where I so desperately want to be.
Loss because of the children I may never know. Loss at that fear that I have all this love to give and may never have the chance to bestow it on a child who decides to choose me as their mom.
Time and time again I am told by friends and family that there is still time. I'm young. There is time for me to find the man (or woman) I will fall in love with and start a family with because that's how it's supposed to happen.
What isn't supposed to happen is that at 22 your doctor telling you there is something wrong with you and you might not be able to have children. What isn't supposed to happen is at 25 the specialist your doctor sent you to tells you there is a slight change (like a 10% chance) that you'll be able to have kids (I've always appreciated her honesty and optimism) or at 28 you are told that it's time to start looking at other options.
I know I'm not the only one going through these struggles. I'm not the first to be delivered that kind of news and I won't be the last but when you're in it alone, it feels like you are the only one in the world it is happening to.
When your friends get mad at you because you "just aren't happy enough for them" or can't get beyond the lump in your throat to tell them "Congratulations!" quick enough, it just adds to the pain. Adds to the betrayal of your body. Adds to the feeling of failure because as a woman, this is what our bodies are designed to do--to carry, love and nurture growing children.
I know there are options out there to becoming a mom. Lots of them actually. And I've started looking at them. I know it makes me sound horribly selfish, but there is a huge part of me that wants to have my baby. A huge part of me that wants to raise a child that was born between the love of me and my partner. I worry that I'm not strong enough to do it any other way, but also know if I want to be a parent, I need to find that strength.
I should be happy for them. I should be excited that they are taking this next stop in their lives. Thrilled that their dreams are coming true.
But I'm not.
Not entirely.
Yes--I think it is absolutely amazing to be able to watch my friends start families. To be there to watch them raise amazing little people who will grow up to do amazing things.
But each time I receive another invitation to a baby shower. Or see a delighted "this morning we welcomed baby D into the world last night!" post on Facebook. Or am stopped by a coworker and asked "Guess what? I'm pregnant!" before I can even answer the initial question, a massive wave of jealousy and loss rips through my heart.
Jealousy because they have what I want. They are moving into a phase of their lives where I so desperately want to be.
Loss because of the children I may never know. Loss at that fear that I have all this love to give and may never have the chance to bestow it on a child who decides to choose me as their mom.
Time and time again I am told by friends and family that there is still time. I'm young. There is time for me to find the man (or woman) I will fall in love with and start a family with because that's how it's supposed to happen.
What isn't supposed to happen is that at 22 your doctor telling you there is something wrong with you and you might not be able to have children. What isn't supposed to happen is at 25 the specialist your doctor sent you to tells you there is a slight change (like a 10% chance) that you'll be able to have kids (I've always appreciated her honesty and optimism) or at 28 you are told that it's time to start looking at other options.
I know I'm not the only one going through these struggles. I'm not the first to be delivered that kind of news and I won't be the last but when you're in it alone, it feels like you are the only one in the world it is happening to.
When your friends get mad at you because you "just aren't happy enough for them" or can't get beyond the lump in your throat to tell them "Congratulations!" quick enough, it just adds to the pain. Adds to the betrayal of your body. Adds to the feeling of failure because as a woman, this is what our bodies are designed to do--to carry, love and nurture growing children.
I know there are options out there to becoming a mom. Lots of them actually. And I've started looking at them. I know it makes me sound horribly selfish, but there is a huge part of me that wants to have my baby. A huge part of me that wants to raise a child that was born between the love of me and my partner. I worry that I'm not strong enough to do it any other way, but also know if I want to be a parent, I need to find that strength.
I love this entry. And I can completely relate.
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