F. A. T.

I'm usually not one to throw up any kind of disclaimer with my posts, but this one kind of feels like it needs one. Not because of anything bad. I respect my readers enough to keep my language in check (seriously, I have a mouth like a sailor--I don't just put a nickle or a dime in the swear jar at work, oh no, it's dollars and quarters). This gets a disclaimer because it was really hard to write and at times a little off course, but it was important for me to get as much out of me as possible with as little editing as possible. At times it might seem off topic and not make much sense, but as I've said before, that is kind of how my brain works.  

I am a huge fan of words (which is why I write---obviously!) but an even bigger fan of not letting them get to me. Because honestly, they can't do anything. They are just letters strung together into a coherent sound or noise we can all understand.

Right?

Over the years I've been called crazy, obnoxious, annoying. a whore, slut and bitch, heartless, mean, ugly, disgusting, a drama queen (side note--of all the words or terms used to describe me, this is the one my friends and I find quite entertaining and most of them have asked if the people who have said this about me have actually spent time with me), worthless, dumb.....I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Most of the time I'm pretty good at letting them roll off me. A friend once told me "you just have to be like teflon and let things slide right off you". I've carried that advice around with me for many many years and it works. Cheesy, but hearing those words in my head remind me that it doesn't really matter what they say. I know who I am and what I am about. I know my truth. And if someone can't (or won't) see that, it's not my issue.

But there is one word. One little adjective I can't shake. One word made of three relatively innocent letters that when put together can bring me to tears almost each and every time I hear it pass between someones lips......



Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat.

I hate it. But you know what I hate even more than the word itself? I hate that I let it get to me.

The other words, while they may initially sting, are a little easier to take--easier to deflect. Why? Because like I said. I know who I am. And I know they aren't true. O.k. so maybe I can be a little bitchy sometimes, but I digress.

But fat.....that's a whole other ballgame. That can be measured by my weight. What size dress I wear. Or by my pant size or anytime you compare me with the Hollywood standard, I am fat (for the record, that is the first time I have written that in an sentence, it's a little terrifying). It can be pointed out when my hips are just a little to wide for a slim cut pant or a top is cut scandalously low for my large breasts. It doesn't matter that I'm learning to live in the body I've been given or that there are days when I look in the mirror and think "Dang....I'm lookin' pretty good!" when that word is hanging above my head like a dark cloud.

Me and the dress!

Last week I wrote about Five Things I was going to do to make myself happy. And one of those things was to "wear bright colors" which really translates into "wear something outside of your comfort zone". So this week I did. I put on a dress that was two sized smaller than I am used to wearing. And it was all stripes. Black and white stripes. Lots and lots of stripes. Once I got used to the fact that I wasn't wearing something baggy and that it wasn't hiding anything, I loved it. I honestly loved the way it fit but more importantly I loved the way I felt in it. As I stood in front of the mirror looking at me looking back at myself, I was reminded how good it feels to be me. Not some preconceived notion of how I think I should be, but just myself. I remembered how refreshing it was to be at peace with not only myself but also my body that was made especially for me, even if others consider it (it being my body, not me) fat.

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to see or hear the word fat and not cringe. I wonder sometimes if it holds too much negativity and hatred for myself to ever really be free of it. I do hope that someday it will just become another word. Or will in fact become a word that I am able to embrace as just another in the long list of adjectives that I can use to describe myself without all the negative energy tacked onto it.

Until then, F.A.T. will just be another acronym for all the other beautiful words out there to describe myself and others: fabulous, artistic  tender, friendly, amazing, tenacious, fierce, affectionate, terrific, funny, attentive, thoughtful, faithful, altruistic, tolerant, foxy, awesome, talented, fantastic, alluring, trustworthy, free, astounding, truthful.

Five Things

Back in December, Jes over at The Militant Baker posted about a series she wanted to start called "This One Thing I Really Love About my Body" and was looking for submissions.

I loved the idea from the first moment I read about it. I mean seriously....a series of thought from ladies about what we LOVE about our bodies, beautiful! An amazing exercise in focusing on the positives without any of the "I love this but it would be better if I could change that". And for me putting it down on paper (virtual or real) to share with others made it feel like it wasn't some empty promise or statement I was making to myself. It felt a little more substantial. Like I'm not just saying it to say it, but saying it because I meant it (not that I didn't mean it before, but you know.....accountability is always nice).

So I sat down to write my submission and I stared a the blank notebook sitting in front of me. I picked up my pen. Stared a little bit more. Doodled in the margins. Thought about it. Stared some more. Rolled the idea around in my head. Wasted some time on Pinterest and Ravelry. Thought about it. Scanned myself from head to toe.

Then I lost it. Full on sobbing and crying--the ugly, face scrunched up and red, snot magically appearing out of nowhere and mascara forming the most awesome tear induced raccoon eyes anyone has ever seen. I cried until it hurt because loving any part of myself at that time was the furthest thing from the truth. And even thinking about trying to find something I loved.....heck, even liked about myself made me feel like a fraud so I set the pen and notebook aside and walked away.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.......

Rachele over at The Nearsighted Owl posted about an ecourse she was putting together which was kind of perfect for how I've been feeling. A course to get me back on track to not only getting back to who I am, but to feel good about who I am. I immediately signed myself up (ok.....so I signed up twice because my computer was being really wonky) and set to work on the first assignment:

Write down 5 things that you are going to do that make you happy

 

Wear Bright Colors: My wardrobe is packed full of black, black and more black which is a holdover from lessons on fashion I received growing up. Black is sliming. Everyone can wear black. Once you are larger than a certain size you want to shy away from bright, bold colors because you wouldn't want to draw attention to yourself. Riiiiiiiiight.....it's time to toss those "rules" out the door and which involves picking up a sassy little yellow dress I tried on last weekend.

Dance Like No One Is Watching: Have you every dance and not smiled or laughed? No, didn't think so. I need to do more of this. 

Take Myself To The Movie: a.k.a. date night with myself. 

Create and Write More for Myself: It's time to stop worrying about whether or not people like what I have to say or what I do or blah blah blah. I need to start working on some more things just for me. 

Read More Ridiculous Books: My reading list is full of really heavy books. I need to make sure I threw is some a lot more books that don't require a lot of thinking on the part of the reader. Reading should be fun! I need to add more fun into that pile.