Eh....They Are More Like Guidelines

Good gravy. So I seem to have relationships on the mind. I'm sure it's a phase that will quickly pass or not....I suppose it's o.k. to want to be in one ever once in awhile.

Seriously though.....I feel like I've been reading a lot (lately) about rules and regulations that people have for folks in terms of what they are looking for in a partner. And I'm not just talking about tall, dark and handsome (or in my case.....nope, never mind, not telling, it would give too much away). I know we all have them (otherwise I wouldn't be posting this!), what we are looking for in that person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, but what if we just did away with them? What if we turned off that bit of our brain and decided to go with whatever the universe throws at us? It would be awesome, right! Who knows....that guy who drives you absolutely insane and seems to challenge you at ever turn might just be Mr. Right.

While I'm trying to convince my own self that doing so is a great idea, here is my "list" (although I like to look at them as guidelines) to ensure we are both happy.

• Don't keep score: this isn't a game, it's a relationship. I'm not interested in trying to keep track of who is leading the imaginary race to being right.
• Don't hold a grudge.....like reminding about that one time that I said that one thing that you didn't agree with. Ah, no. Once an argument is done, it's done so let's move on!
• Plan time with your friends: SERIOUSLY. You want to join a sports league? Awesome. Fishing trip with your buddies? Have a brilliant time! Strip club for one of your friends birthdays/bachelor party/just because it's a weekend? Sure thing--here is $20 for a lap dance*!
• Be kind.
• Don't hate on my dog. I know, she's a bit obnoxious but she's old and got nothin' but love for everyone. 
• If you don't make me attend functions I don't want to go to, I wont' make you go to functions you don't want to go to.
• Do what you love! Follow your dreams/passion and know that you have someone at home cheering you on and waiting impatiently for you to return to hear about your great adventures! Or just take me with you--that's cool, too. 
• Don't make fun of my choices in music. It's weird-it's random-it's lovely. If you do, we're done. 
• Be creative.
• Be loving.
• Give great hugs.
• Be yourself.

*I have no idea how much a lap dance costs these days, but I'd still be willing to pay for one.

If fear hasn't killed me yet, then nothing will.....

I am a big cheerleader for my friends.

I'm all about supporting them in nearly anything they want to do.

Pondering running a 5k? I'll meet you at the finish line with a big "YOU ARE AMAZING!" sign cheering you on.

Like a guy? I'm a good wingman, available to "get a headache" as soon as things are going your way.

Want a new tattoo? Sure....let's get one together (but not matching).

Need someone to just plain listen? I'm your girl.

But when it comes to myself, I am the biggest wimp I know. I can't make a decision (half the time) to save my life. I am TERRIFIED to go out on a limb or to take a chance on nearly anything because the thought of failure is absolutely stifling. A a leap of faith? No way, not without a safety harness and a giant squishy pillow to land on.

Case in point....a couple weeks ago I wrote (in a strange round about way) about a fellow I kind of fancy (ok....not kind of, really, really fancy) and since then have spent way too much time in my own head about it. I keep going back and forth with myself....do something about it or don't do something about it. That is the ultimate question, right? But there's a little bit of a monkey wrench is this scenario.

That's the thing though....there's always a monkey wrench (I'll get back to the fellow in a minute). Always a reason not to do something. Always an excuse as to why it "isn't going to work". Or why it's going to be a "total disaster". And no matter how many times I try to tell myself it'll be o.k. or that it's good to take a change every now and then, I can't bring myself to do it. I just don't have the confidence that I know what I'm talking about or that things will, in fact, work out the way they are supposed to. I am just so freaked out by fear (a.k.a. failing), that I'm missing out on some pretty potentially fantastic stuff!

I'm counting on the fact that I know I need to figure this out is the first step to moving past it. I haven't exactly figured out how it's going to happen (that's mainly intentional--I think if I think about it too much, it's going to totally backfire) but to quote Rage Against the Machine....
It has to start somewhere. It has to start sometime. What better place than here, what better time than now?

As for the fellow, whom (still don't know if that should be who) I have actually taken to referring to as Captain Random, I'm not sure I have ever fallen any further or any faster for anyone before him. I was telling a friend the other day, I literally catch my breath whenever I see him. Weird, right? And don't even get my started at how giddy a simple note from him makes me. We're talking giggles and everything short of doing a mini-happy dance. But for now, even with all the reassuring advice from friends, there is honestly nothing to be done about it (and this time it's not because of me dragging my feet so that's kind of a win!). I'm in this weird sort of limbo between what I want to happen and whether or not it is even possible. And at the risk of saying way too much, it's going to be MONTHS before these feelings will/can be resolved.