02 June 2011

What was I thinking?!

Today, June 1 was supposed to be the start of a new project. I had fabulous ideas of what I wanted to do and what I wanted to accomplish when it was done. It was going to be grand. It was going to be fun. It was going to be me.

But now that the day is here and is nearly over, I'm wavering. Sure, I have terrible commitment issues and would rather not do something that start something only to quick halfway through (been there, done that--not terrible thrilled at the thought of doing it again) but that still shouldn't stop me from trying, right?! Right??


I just worry that I am setting myself up for total failure. Like I'm going to talk the big talk but will fall short and there will be a whole string of "I told you so's" spewing forth from people around me. And they may not say it, but I'm pretty confident they'll be thinking that and I just don't want to deal with it. I know it shouldn't matter and that the original idea was to do this for me but just once I'd like to feel like people really had my back on something. Like they really supported me the way they say they support me. And I'm if I'm truly going to do this project like I want to and really explore parts of myself (not in a touchy feely sort of way) I'm going to need that back-up. I'm going to need people to say "Wow....that's incredible that you were able to do a photograph like that!" and not "Wow......I can't believe you would take a photograph like that."

Again, I know it shouldn't matter and I shouldn't care but I do and that is part of who I am. That is part of what makes me--me. For better or worse. And admitting that I need that sort of approval isn't something like to admit. At all.

So, I don't know what I'm going to do. Day 1 is done but I have a feeling I'll ask myself the same questions I asked myself today on Day 2 and Day 3 and Day 4......what is the real reason I am doing this project. Who am I really doing it for.


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