Flawtastic

I've been a wee bit of a slacker lately.

I guess it's not really "lately" if I haven't really worked out (and by working out I mean pushing myself to my limit) since August.

Yeah. It's been awhile.

But for the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling that NEED to get back at it again. Just kind a slight inkling or little twinge of "Maybe I should give it another go" but a full on OBSESSION with getting back a routine at the gym. And it is sadly not for reasons I am all that proud of.

I still have this annoying little voice in the back of my head, reminding me of all my flaws: I'm not skinny (and never will be). I'm not all that tall. I'm lumpy. My thighs jiggle. My tummy is not flat. I'm uber pale white. And I'm not terribly pretty.

Yes I know.....that voice is the back of my head is my own, repeating all the shitty things I have been told over the years and that my self worth is not based on any of that. Because when you get beyond the surface of the shy, chubby girl who just wants to be liked, there is a whole other, unexpected person. A person who is quite funny, witty, wicked smart, caring, and empathetic. She's just really hard to find.

What does any of that have to do with going back to the gym?!

When I was heading to the gym nearly every day of the week this summer, I felt AMAZING about myself. I don't remember feeling that good about who I was in a long time. Sure I wore a tank top over the top of my bathing suit (fyi: halter tops and keyhole bathing suits do NOT work if you are super busty hence the tank hiding the crazy cleavage), but I WORE a bathing suit while hanging out with friends at their pool and didn't trying to hide. I wore compression pants (a.ka. spandex for life!) while at the gym for running and working out and didn't once care about the sideways glances I was getting. And then I walked from the gym to my car in said spandex and didn't give two shakes about what anyone thought.

But today? None of that would happen.

In fact, this morning when I was getting ready for work, I found myself purposely digging out clothes that hide my lumps and bumps and that help hold in my tummy so I have some curves. And all I wanted to do (and did) was cry.

I cried because I miss who I was three months ago. I miss looking at my closet knowing that I'm about rock the crap out of my favorite dress and boots. I miss not feeling like I look and feel like Jabba the Hut.

But today I'm making my way back. Making my way back to the person I know and love and adore. She is the same person I am today, but a little more sure of herself. She knows she is strong, independent, funny, smart, beautiful and amazing. She knows she is "enough" just as she is and won't compromise herself for a mold someone else created.