Fat Girl

In under 3 minutes, this pretty much sums up everything I've ever been told.

Music Monday: John Mayer

Question: What happens when you totally forget you have tickets to see you favorite musician?

Answer: You look at your calendar at work trying to figure out why I've put down that you are out of the office a noon on a Wednesday.

This is what happened when I was sorting things out at work for the week of Thanksgiving. Some how it had totally slipped my mind that I'd be seeing John Mayer in GR this week. It's either a sign that I am losing my mind or that I have to much going on right now to keep anything straight.

I'm going with the second option.

Since I've featured him quite heavily on the blog, I'm going something a little different. One of my absolute favorite songs that Mayer has done is Stitched Up which he recorded with Herbie Hancock for Hancock's album Possibilities. It's really fun watching the process they go through writing and recording the tune.

I'd highly suggest picking up a copy of the album or watching the whole documentary. It's really amazing stuff. 

Life Lately

It is official. It is impossible for me to fight it any longer. Winter has arrived. I know. I know. I live in a part of the country where it is inevitable (and my job kind of depends on it) but I don't like it. If somehow we could figure out how to keep the snow off the roads and out of my driveway, then maybe I'd be o.k. with it. But until then, I am not happy. At least it's nice to look at though.


Speaking of work. It has been anything but pleasant. I don't talk about it much here and I'm not going to now other than to say, it is really frustrating to have an amazing day off doing something you find insanely interesting (seriously--I spent a day last week working on a paper for my psych class and loved every damn minute of it) only to go to work the next day and have the wind taken out of your sails the moment you walk through the door. When you feel like you can't have a day off, it's time to admit something is terribly wrong.

School has been going o.k. Last week (thanks to work) was a bit of a struggle which was sadly reflected in my assignment grades. This week didn't feel much better, but hopefully I was at least able to fake it enough make it seem like I had ample time to work on things. One of the assignments I had was to watch a TED Talk that Beau Lotto gave. This man is fascinating. If you have time, I highly suggest watching the following video on Optical Illusions. It is mind blowing.

Flawtastic

I've been a wee bit of a slacker lately.

I guess it's not really "lately" if I haven't really worked out (and by working out I mean pushing myself to my limit) since August.

Yeah. It's been awhile.

But for the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling that NEED to get back at it again. Just kind a slight inkling or little twinge of "Maybe I should give it another go" but a full on OBSESSION with getting back a routine at the gym. And it is sadly not for reasons I am all that proud of.

I still have this annoying little voice in the back of my head, reminding me of all my flaws: I'm not skinny (and never will be). I'm not all that tall. I'm lumpy. My thighs jiggle. My tummy is not flat. I'm uber pale white. And I'm not terribly pretty.

Yes I know.....that voice is the back of my head is my own, repeating all the shitty things I have been told over the years and that my self worth is not based on any of that. Because when you get beyond the surface of the shy, chubby girl who just wants to be liked, there is a whole other, unexpected person. A person who is quite funny, witty, wicked smart, caring, and empathetic. She's just really hard to find.

What does any of that have to do with going back to the gym?!

When I was heading to the gym nearly every day of the week this summer, I felt AMAZING about myself. I don't remember feeling that good about who I was in a long time. Sure I wore a tank top over the top of my bathing suit (fyi: halter tops and keyhole bathing suits do NOT work if you are super busty hence the tank hiding the crazy cleavage), but I WORE a bathing suit while hanging out with friends at their pool and didn't trying to hide. I wore compression pants (a.ka. spandex for life!) while at the gym for running and working out and didn't once care about the sideways glances I was getting. And then I walked from the gym to my car in said spandex and didn't give two shakes about what anyone thought.

But today? None of that would happen.

In fact, this morning when I was getting ready for work, I found myself purposely digging out clothes that hide my lumps and bumps and that help hold in my tummy so I have some curves. And all I wanted to do (and did) was cry.

I cried because I miss who I was three months ago. I miss looking at my closet knowing that I'm about rock the crap out of my favorite dress and boots. I miss not feeling like I look and feel like Jabba the Hut.

But today I'm making my way back. Making my way back to the person I know and love and adore. She is the same person I am today, but a little more sure of herself. She knows she is strong, independent, funny, smart, beautiful and amazing. She knows she is "enough" just as she is and won't compromise herself for a mold someone else created.

Music Monday: Jason Walker

This series has gone from "Hey! How about I share some of my favorite tunes with ya'll!" to "Hey! Check out this new-to-me-song I just discovered!"

Today's selection came up on Pandora while I was at work this weekend. It would be safe to say I'm in a bit of a melancholy mood and this song fits perfectly.



I also think it's a bit interesting that I heard this song on the same day I read the following quote:
If I'm sincere today, what does it matter if I regret it tomorrow? I'm starting to think the universe is trying to tell me something.